I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
