roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Randomize
