I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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