saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
