the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
