My hair reeks of homosexuality.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
