whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
