if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
