you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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