if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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