Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
