I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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