So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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