dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
