I wish you could order shots online.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
