She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
