He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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