I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
