Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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