I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
