So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
