Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
