he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
