btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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