dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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