I wanna bring you to show and tell
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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