I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
