my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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