FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Can I color on your dick again?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
