worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
