see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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