can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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