Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
