i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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