I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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