I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
