well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
