I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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