dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
