I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
