there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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