Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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