So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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