dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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