I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
