omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
