and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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