He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
