someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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