what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
