Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You have to summon your inner elephant
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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